1. in case any of you guys are wondering if it is ok to just flush a banana peel down the toilet, it is not. it will clog your toilet.

2. if you ever try it anyways, make sure you remember to unclog it before you poop.

You are welcome.

So the old textbook I was trying to sell on amazon ended up being sold within 5 hours of posting. High five! This also meant that I had to honor my incentive. So I did. It took me all of 4 minutes.

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Subject: Order information from Amazon seller gpspud20

————– Begin message ———————

Hello [name redacted], your order was received. The textbook Microbiology: An Introduction, 9th edition with limited edition Organic Molecule Yellow Cookie Monster (OMYCM) doodle on page 124 will be shipped shortly.

If you took care to read the seller’s comment, you would have noticed that by purchasing this book prior to 08/28/09 you are eligible to receive a PERSONAL sketch of OMYCM and YOU together. Please let me know what location, time of day, and preferred cameos you would like in your PERSONAL sketch. Though my artistic abilities know no bounds, I highly suggest a beach overlooking a beautiful sunset with cameos of the top half of sonic the hedgehog and a ninja turtle.

You are permitted to send me a head shot of yourself if you so desire for artistic accuracy (no creeper), otherwise you will have to settle for my own artistic interpretation of you.

You’re welcome.

-Tim

————– End message ————————

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Subject: Shipment notification from Amazon seller gpspud20

————– Begin message ———————

[name redacted],

Your order was shipped priority mail on August 26, 2009. You should be expecting to receive your order in 2-3 business days.

As you may or may not be aware, by making this purchase prior to Aug 28th you were eligible to receive a personalized sketch. I have inserted this piece of artwork along with the packing slip behind the front cover of the textbook. Please disregard the backside of this artwork, as it is leftover of an old printout of my homework. Thank you for your order and hope you enjoyed your purchasing experience.

————– End message ————————

my amazon textbook sales pitch:

click to biggie size

There. That should get this product flying off the shelves. I’ll update on the status of this order once someone wises up and buys my book. Who WOULDN’T want a personalized drawing by yours truly?? I mean COME ON.

Amazon.com

*Update*

For those of you that are wondering what Organic Molecule Yellow Cookie Monster (OMYCM) from page 124 looks like, here he is. Credit for the “cookie” thought bubble goes to Alice Lee.

om nom nom. me want donate electrons.

(via xkcd)

This is kind of old, but we talked about this in class so I found it online and thought it would be funny to share. These were written by students and submitted by high school english teachers for a 1999 Washington Post humor contest.

Enjoy!
-Poon

The 25 Funniest Analogies (Collected by High School English Teachers)

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

[Writing English Blog]

I just wanted to note for the record, that this weekend I was in LA, Phil was in Philadelphia, Joe was in Atlanta, and Frank was in New York.

Far far away from 1109 taylor st.

Thinking of the stereotypical Asian dad, I see a 5′6 solemn figure wearing the fatherly uniform of grey polo and khakis.  He is also sporting a thin lipped subtle frown, the kind that just barely registers a downward angle at the edges.  Not to say the guy is upset, that is just where his mouth naturally lands.  Clearly, his chin is pointed ever so slightly up as a constant reminder that he has been working and sacrificing longer than you have been alive.  He presents himself so that it is clear that beyond all else, he demands respect.  You are never required to agree or even understand his commands, all that is needed from you is blind obedience.

You’d have to look past that guy to see my pops.  My dad will be the one sneaking up behind the stereotypical Asian dad, we’ll call him SAD, you know just because it’s shorter.  Then he’ll try to surprise SAD with a sudden abrupt slap to the back. and easily laugh off SAD’s obvious mild annoyance.  With an arm around his shoulder, my pops would invite the guy to lunch even though he’s already said twice that he’s eaten.  He’ll also  be an easy one to pick out of the crowd of SAD’s because he is the only one whose teeth and gums you can see.

The greatest thing about my dad is he has never bought into the stereotypical serious man way of fathering.  Some guys will be all business all the time.  They won’t show open affection toward their kids because that just gets in the way of all the respect that they could be demanding.  Instead of ruling with an iron fist, his style is more like an open palm around the neck.  To this day, when I am driving with the guy he wants to hold my hand like I’m 8 and about to cross the street into oncoming traffic.  I must admit though sometimes, he does take it too far.

For the benefit of the doubt, Dad is not a native English speaker, but one day when he picked me up after school, he goes:

“Hey lover”

Gaping mouthed silence followed by “Dad, WHAT?!”

“What? I said hey lover.”

“NO Dad! No, that’s…that’s just not right.  You don’t say that to your kids.”

“What do you mean, I don’t get it.  Don’t you add -er for someone who does something.  You know, swim, swimmer.  Play, player?  I love you, soooooo lover. Right?”

This is where I stammered and just muttered an “Uh…”

He goes on, “Anyways, so lover where do you wanna eat?”

………………………………………………………………………………….

Love you too pops.

-ognut