hahah ohh….

..no but guys. seriously.

slankets/snuggies with colored print of the body of cartoon/popular characters.

patent pending.

I do not condone the use of slankets/snuggies.
I do condone making money.

Here are some proportionally incorrect pictures of the product:

please throw money at me now.

1. in case any of you guys are wondering if it is ok to just flush a banana peel down the toilet, it is not. it will clog your toilet.

2. if you ever try it anyways, make sure you remember to unclog it before you poop.

You are welcome.

So the old textbook I was trying to sell on amazon ended up being sold within 5 hours of posting. High five! This also meant that I had to honor my incentive. So I did. It took me all of 4 minutes.

The following an email that I sent immediately after receiving the order:

Subject: Order information from Amazon seller gpspud20

Hello [name redacted], your order was received. The textbook Microbiology: An Introduction, 9th edition with limited edition Organic Molecule Yellow Cookie Monster (OMYCM) doodle on page 124 will be shipped shortly.

If you took care to read the seller’s comment, you would have noticed that by purchasing this book prior to 08/28/09 you are eligible to receive a PERSONAL sketch of OMYCM and YOU together. Please let me know what location, time of day, and preferred cameos you would like in your PERSONAL sketch. Though my artistic abilities know no bounds, I highly suggest a beach overlooking a beautiful sunset with cameos of the top half of sonic the hedgehog and a ninja turtle.

You are permitted to send me a head shot of yourself if you so desire for artistic accuracy (no creeper), otherwise you will have to settle for my own artistic interpretation of you.

You’re welcome.

-Tim

Unfortunately with no response, this was the email sent after the package was shipped:

Subject: Shipment notification from Amazon seller gpspud20

[name redacted],

Your order was shipped priority mail on August 26, 2009. You should be expecting to receive your order in 2-3 business days.

As you may or may not be aware, by making this purchase prior to Aug 28th you were eligible to receive a personalized sketch. I have inserted this piece of artwork along with the packing slip behind the front cover of the textbook. Please disregard the backside of this artwork, as it is leftover of an old printout of my homework. Thank you for your order and hope you enjoyed your purchasing experience.

enjoy:

my amazon textbook sales pitch:

click to biggie size

There. That should get this product flying off the shelves. I’ll update on the status of this order once someone wises up and buys my book. Who WOULDN’T want a personalized drawing by yours truly?? I mean COME ON.

Amazon.com

*Update*

For those of you that are wondering what Organic Molecule Yellow Cookie Monster (OMYCM) from page 124 looks like, here he is. Credit for the “cookie” thought bubble goes to Alice Lee.

om nom nom. me want donate electrons.

(via xkcd)

This is kind of old, but we talked about this in class so I found it online and thought it would be funny to share. These were written by students and submitted by high school english teachers for a 1999 Washington Post humor contest.

Enjoy!
-Poon

The 25 Funniest Analogies (Collected by High School English Teachers)

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

[Writing English Blog]